Midwest

Ryan Dempster was thrilled to be traded to Braves Monday because being close to Tyler Perry's Atlanta studios will allow him the chance to expand upon his comedy career by auditioning for the role of "Dorky White Guy 3" in Perry's next film, "Madea Goes to Fat Camp."

"Dempster is brilliant when it comes to pitching," said Cubs President Theo Epstein, "but he really needs to work on his practical jokes. He's been dry for sometime now."

Ryan Dempster showed up to Wrigley Friday morning for his scheduled start against the Red Sox wearing a Dodgers jersey, a move he hopes will help the Cubs get the hint that he'd like to be traded to a contender immediately.

While most Cubs players took Thursday to enjoy a much-needed day off between their respective series with the Braves and Brewers, ace pitcher Ryan Dempster spent the day working toward his elusive first victory.

Ryan Dempster's glorious return from the DL ended abruptly Thursday night when the Cubs starter broke several bones in his pitching hand after attacking closer Carlos Marmol who once again blew a save for the third time in only five attempts this season.

Ryan Dempster's impression of Will Ferrell's impression of Harry Caray has been forever enshrined in a new baseball card.

Aging prop comic Gallagher and once-funny Dane Cook have both been invited to Cubs camp in Mesa, Ariz., to vie for the role of backup comedic relief to pitcher Ryan Dempster. Staying true to the team’s new philosophy of being deep in each position, team president Theo Epstein issued personal invitations to both comics.