Midwest

"I've been to Kohl's two dozen times already. I'm not kidding you. We've tried royal blue, space blue, cornflower blue, sky, sapphire, air force blue, navy ... Did you know there's one called pigeon blue? Pigeon blue?!"

h/t Abe R.

"Who needs a kicker when you have a defense like this, am I right?" asked Nagy, as he nonchalantly shook a black Magic 8 ball in his hand.

Last week, Matthew Stafford was obliterated by the Minnesota Vikings defense, getting sacked 10 times. This week, he faces a Bears defense that will likely feature a healthy Khalil Mack, and has dominated their past two opponents. We here at The Heckler care about Matthew Stafford's well-being, which is why we are presenting seven suggested ways he could avoid getting murdered by the Monsters of the Midway.

"They told me I've got to grow a gray mustache for as long as I want to coach this team," said Colliton. "Apparently Hawks fans are so in love with Joel Quenneville's facial hair that every coach they have in the future has to grow a mustache just like his."

Following their 41-9 defeat to the Chicago Bears, the ownership of the rebuilding Buffalo Bills has admitted that the team is still many years away from losing another Super Bowl.