Rumors out of the Cubs’ front office that GM Jed Hoyer has been “going batshit crazy” the last two weeks trying to find the “perfect blue button-up” for next month’s winter meetings have been confirmed by one of the interns to Hoyer’s second assistant, who wishes to remain anonymous in fear of being placed on “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” episode recap duty.
“Jed has been pacing around his office for days now; mumbling hue-filled vernacular and demanding our analytics staff to tell him what shade of blue has the best WAR,” said the intern. “I’ve been to Kohl’s two dozen times already. I’m not kidding you. We’ve tried royal blue, space blue, cornflower blue, sky, sapphire, air force blue, navy … Did you know there’s one called pigeon blue? Pigeon blue?!”
The Cubs staff has been working well into the night waiting for Hoyer to pass out from exhaustion before going home. “We could have been done with all of this three days ago when Jed decided on zaffer blue, but the coffee delivery girl fucked it all up saying, ‘that shirt would look soooo much cuter with a pattern.’ It’s been hell ever since.”