Illinois

Not satisfied by the six large bear claws he’d already eaten, Astros outfielder Carlos Lee has taken a Wrigley field employee hostage until “someone gets him another dozen damn donuts.”

“I’ve seen statues move faster,” said the head groundskeeper. “I want the Cubs to win and all, but frankly, it makes my job a whole lot easier when Ramirez is playing, or standing, at third base. I love the guy!”

“I knew I shouldn’t have turned the game on after eating that second slice of pizza,” said Lakeview resident Rob Roman. “I just thought with Marmol and a 2-run lead, I’d be safe. Instead, here I am, wiping pepperoni off the plasma screen again.”

The NFL has once again proven why it sets the gold standard for merchandising among the four major American sports leagues.

"I don't even wanna show my face when I'm on the field," said Alfonso Soriano, who usually likes the limelight, often posing after he hits a home run. "But I can't turn on the TV anymore without seeing highlights of myself falling down in the outfield or helplessly flailing at sliders in the dirt. Even all this money I make doesn't make me feel better."

"I try to go through the slide as many times as possible in five minutes," said an exhausted Brian Urlacher after reaching the bottom of the tube slide. "It's one of the most difficult workouts I've ever done. I don't know why we didn't think of this earlier."

Marty Brennaman has been making other bold statements on behalf of the general public, saying such things as “People hate corn. Corn is the most hated vegetable,” and “Jim and Pam, Ross and Rachel, people have rooted against couples like this for ages.”