Chicago

Play along as the Seattle Seahawks and Denver Broncos do battle on the biggest stage of them all, except for the halftime stage, of course.

"In lieu of staging an actual game and letting people experience something in reality, we've decided to just team up with BuzzFeed to determine who you would have rooted for, if the game had actually been played," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

“We realize that we had agreed to replace Old Style with Bud, but at the same time we’re actively trying to make the game day experience much more fun for families,” said Cubs Business President Crane Kenney.

"Whew, that was close," said Renteria. "I was afraid I'd have to learn a few dozen Japanese phrases and that would have been a total hassle."

"Samardzija has been playing really hard to get lately about the contract extension we offered him," Epstein sheepishly told reporters. "So I figured if we made a play for a more attractive, desirable arm in a public setting to make sure Jeff knew about it, it might make him jealous and, I don't know, want to stay with us."

Dunn is expected to reject the offer and go about his season in usual fashion: "I plan to slim down and look in shape to start the season," said Dunn. "Then I'll hit .130, overshadowing Gordan Beckham and his .155 average. If I have time I'll strike out 354 times and go 0-for-50 at some point."

Find out which NHL jersey you should really be wearing on game day.