Chicago

With their victory over Ghana in the first round of the World Cup, the United States men’s soccer team is just one game shy of equaling the two wins Cubs pitcher Jeff Samardzija has so far this season.

Against the wishes of their captain, several Blackhawks players have flown to Los Angeles to crash the parade of the newly crowned Stanley Cup Champions Kings.

Toews has reportedly agreed to sell his story to the popular Discovery Channel show Naked and Afraid. Toews' series will be titled Clothed and Depressed and will focus mainly on his fishing, sleeping late, and refusal to return to the rink interspersed with longing sighs.

"In hindsight, yes, we should not have hired Mike and the guys from Chicago to maintain our field," said a FIFA official. "But you know how these things work. Someone's nephew needed a handout, some palms were greased and, of course, this is Chicago and FIFA we're talking about."

Last season it took the Bears 16 games to come out totally even and botch a chance at the playoffs. Dropping the final two games, either of which would’ve given them a spot in the playoffs, the Bears continued their run of ripping out the hearts of fans just like that older girl down the street did to you in junior high.

After an error was discovered on the official Wrigley Field 100th Anniversary celebratory mural last month, the Cubs have announced that they will be replacing the 1927 photo of fans honoring Charles Lindbergh, which was actually taken at Comiskey Park, with a 2003 photo of Steve Bartman deflecting a foul ball in the famous NLCS Game 6 incident of that year.

Pleased to rid themselves of financial albatross Chicago Cubs at the end of this year, WGN-AM is poised to replace team broadcasts with even more boring programming after the station was outbid last week by CBS-owned WBBM for Cubs broadcast rights.