Chicago

News of Lynch’s impressive stat has led to many around Chicago to rush to their local sporting goods stores to snag his jersey, but Lynchmania apparently has a stranglehold on the area as there are currently no Lynch No. 36 Bears jerseys in stock in any stores.

It's that time again. Training camp is well underway for the Chicago Bears and that means that players need to stay as focused as possible. That's why GM Phil Emery decided to schedule a tune-up game this weekend against a team from the Penal Football League (PFL).

Bears’ backup quarterback Jordan Palmer left a crowd of 60,000 fans breathless completing two of his seven passes during a scrimmage at the team’s Family Night at Soldier Field.

“Oh man, this is worse than the ACL tear,” said Rose, as he writhed on the locker room floor at the Thomas and Mack Center. “Where’s Reggie [Rose]? Can somebody get Reggie in here? And I mean quick.”

"We're looking to get these kids from the Wicker Park and Bucktown neighborhoods here to the games," said president of baseball operations, Theo Epstein. "We wanna see more handlebar mustaches and Buddy Holly glasses. Any woman wearing suspenders or leg warmers will get a discounted price. Bring your vintage cameras and satchels. Unicycles are welcome."

"As an organization owned by billionaires, the Chicago Cubs can't sit by idly while our season ticket holders -- many of whom are hard-working, middle-class Chicagoans -- lose thousands of dollars a year," said Cubs President of Business Operations Crane Kenney.

"Hey Eddie, I challenge you to Cubs Trivia followed by a battle of our bands," Corgan said. "Oh and Jack, you sure know how to complain without suffering. Why don't you go home and catch up with the United?"