Groundhog sees his shadow, Cubs doomed to 6 more championship-free years
Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning and the news was not good for the Cubs. He saw his shadow and the Cubs will not win the World Series for six more years. This means that the tenure of Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer will be a bust since it is only a five-year pact.
Yanks get Hendry as Theo compensation for Red Sox
The Cubs and Red Sox today agreed on compensation for Theo Epstein, sending hapless former Chicago GM Jim Hendry to the Yankees where he'll wreak havoc in the Boston rival's front office for the next five to 10 years.
Bad news for Cubs: Soriano really Soriano
Amidst a growing scandal concerning players from the Dominican Republic using false names and birth dates to play in the United States, the Cubs hopes for a silver lining to the scandal were dashed when they learned that their Dominican-born outfielder Alfonso Soriano is in fact Alfonso Soriano.
Records reveal Alfonso Soriano actually named Wally Whiff, age 58
“We thought the dude had lost a few steps at the age of 36, imagine what it’s going to be like in a couple years when he’s 60,” said Cubs GM Jed Hoyer. “Well, at least his defense can’t get any worse.”
Epstein compensaton settled as Soriano to become Red Sox groundskeeper
"I am so excited," said head groundskeeper Keith Graham. "To get that kind of knowledge about the ivy is priceless. Every time I watched a Cubs game, I would see Soriano digging in and sprucing up the foliage."
Schlitz to unveil new Port-O-Potty station outside Wrigley
'Grab a Schlitz Here' is going to be the slogan for the latest improvement to the quality of life around Wrigley Field. The struggling beer company plans to install a single unisex and handicap accessible Port-O-Potty on the corner of Addison and Clark Streets.
