Amidst a growing scandal concerning players from the Dominican Republic using false names and birth dates to play in the United States, the Cubs hopes for a silver lining to the scandal were dashed when they learned that their Dominican-born outfielder Alfonso Soriano is in fact Alfonso Soriano.

Last week, Indians pitcher Fausto Carmona was arrested in the Dominican Republic for using a false identity. Officials reported that his real name is Roberto Heredia and he is 31, three years older than the 28 he claimed. In December, Marlins reliever Leo Nunez was arrested on similar charges.

“We felt certain it’d turn out that Soriano’s some guy who’s like 47 years old, because he plays like he’s at least 47,” said Cubs GM Jed Hoyer. “We even thought there was a chance he was actually Minnie Minoso because no one had ever seen Soriano and Minoso together and frankly, though he’s 86, Minnie looks better.”

Hoyer said that if Soriano had been playing under an assumed name, the Cubs might have been able to void the remaining three years on his contract. “But no, it turns out that he really is Alfonso Soriano, and he’s really 36 going on 50 and we really still owe him $54 million through 2014.”