Cubs

Kerry Wood is undoubtedly the ace of the Cubs simulated pitching staff. With a simulated fastball that has been known to top out at 101 miles per hour, and a simulated twelve-to-six curve ball, he has been nearly unhittable against simulated hitters for the majority of his simulated career.

Ryan Dempster's glorious return from the DL ended abruptly Thursday night when the Cubs starter broke several bones in his pitching hand after attacking closer Carlos Marmol who once again blew a save for the third time in only five attempts this season.

After Jeff Samardzija absolutely dominated the Reds during Wednesday night’s 3-1 victory in the Queen City, Cubs manager Dale Sveum declared that the Cubs were ecstatic to take a series from their divisional rival.

The bricks are there. The ivy is growing, too. There’s even a Toyota sign over left field and troughs spanning the perimeter. But when Lester Allen takes his seat in the right field bleachers, there is no crowd out in left screaming that he sucks. There’s nobody at all.

Future perennial All-Star Cubs first baseman Anthony Rizzo is having a banner year in the minors. By all accounts, he would be called up to the Big League club at or near the mid-summer trade deadline. But there’s only one problem: Current first baseman Bryan LaHair keeps hitting and is leading the team in home runs and RBIs.

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Resident Cubs “scrapster,” Tony Campana was booked by Philadelphia police Monday after spending a weekend wreaking havoc on the hometown Phillies. After terrorizing the presumed class of the NL East for three games, Campana became the target of a city-wide APB seeking his immediate arrest.