Kerry Wood is undoubtedly the ace of the Cubs simulated pitching staff. With a simulated fastball that has been known to top out at 101 miles per hour, and a simulated twelve-to-six curve ball, he has been nearly unhittable against simulated hitters for the majority of his simulated career.

Thanks to his latest trip the DL, Wood became Major League Baseball’s first 300 simulated game winner, shutting out the simulated Colorado Rockies 3-0.

“I know I catch a lot of flak for being on the DL a lot, but most people are unaware how hard it is to prepare for simulated games,” said Wood in a simulated post game news conference, patiently treating his shoulder with simulated ice. “I’m hoping that now that I’m the first 300 simulated game winner, I have a good shot to make the Simulated Hall of Fame.”

In addition to his brilliant simulated pitching career, he’s also leading the league in towel drill victories among active MLB pitchers.

“His towel slider is out of this world,” said Wood’s former pitching coach, Larry Rothschild, and huge proponent of the towel drill, made famous by Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. “If I had to pick one pitcher to win game 7 of the Towel Drill World Series, it would be Kerry Wood. Prior would be a close second, but there are concerns about his durability, even by towel drill standards.”

Michael Kloempken