Resident Cubs “scrapster,” Tony Campana was booked by Philadelphia police Monday after spending a weekend wreaking havoc on the hometown Phillies. After terrorizing the presumed class of the NL East for three games, Campana became the target of a city-wide APB seeking his immediate arrest.

Philadelphia Police Chief Harry Feldman, explained.

“How many bases has this kid stolen? Like 18? He’s easily converted those stolen bases into runs. And you can ask our starting pitchers just how much mayhem he’s created for them. The team is helpless in defending against this spree. Hell, we pitched out yesterday, and still couldn’t get him. You know we could also charge him with speeding. It’s clear the team needs the authorities to step in at this point.”

Campana was released from custody to his parents Monday afternoon. In his first statement to reporters, he seemed to imply there was some kind of conspiracy at work.

“I’m just doing as I’m told. Trying to help out the team,” said the shifty criminal mastermind. Had the Cubs taken the series Monday night, Major League Baseball was planning to launch a full-scale investigation.

“It just doesn’t smell right,” said a confounded Commissioner Bud Selig. “I didn’t think this team could challenge for two series all year. Now two in a row? There’s something very shady going on here.”

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