"We admit it -- the last name was just 'not right' as so many people have claimed," said Snyder. "Is the team from Seattle or something? Washington simply wasn't clear enough."
"RG3 fared very well," said Redskins owner Dan Snyder. "But this new and improved model is even faster and more dynamic. In addition to laser-precision passing, he actually shoots lasers out of his eyes at opponents. Frankly, it's quite an upgrade."
"I'm really good at eating pork rinds," Haynesworth noted. "I'm glad somebody finally can put my skills to use. I'd like to show the world how good Americans are at watching TV and eating snacks."
"I'm just so, so happy!" Redskins owner Daniel Snyder shouted while dancing at Fur sporting oversized neon Wayfarers and double fisting Pellegrino after Washington's OT loss at home to the Cowboys. "We almost won! We almost won! Tom and Katie should have been at [Sunday's] game!"
In a shocking move sure to have impact throughout the league, the Raiders have decided to shore up their offense by adding Rex Grossman, the former Bears, Texans and now Redskins QB, to their lineup in exchange for their first-round draft picks from 2014-2017.
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