Red Sox

When the Red Sox visited Wrigley Field this weekend, everyone expected Theo Epstein to have mixed emotions when facing his old team, but no one thought he'd react quite the way he did when the Cubs president locked himself in Boston's clubhouse and refused to leave until he was granted out of his five-year contract with Chicago.

Despite Dominican papers saying otherwise, a paternity test taken in April by Pedro Martinez revealed that the New York Yankees are indeed his daddy.

In an effort to conceal his identity, disgraced Boston Red Sox skipper Bobby Valentine has pulled out an old trick, wearing his fake mustache disguise while in the dugout and conducting postgame press conferences.

Ortiz was being discussed as a trade option earlier this year when he went down with an Achilles strain, but this abrupt change of thinking has led to many to demand Red Sox GM Ben Cherington be tested for drugs.

Fresh from an emotional appearance at Boston’s Fenway Park to perform his signature song, “Sweet Caroline,” legendary singer Neil Diamond announced he is taking his show to major and minor league ballparks throughout North America.

“Once again, ESPN has broken new ground in sports programming,” said a network spokesperson. “The interest in these two teams is overwhelming among the only demographic that counts, the northeast United States.”

Highly criticized by fans and local media, at least one teammate said Dempster “didn’t have the guts to plunk the S.O.B. the second time he came to the plate. “