Saying that his life is in disarray without Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski in New England, Patriots owner Robert Kraft traded himself to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

“You don’t know what it’s like for me,” Kraft told the Boston Globe. “I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I don’t even have the energy to drive my Maserati up to Beacon Hill.”

In return for Kraft, the Glazer brothers, owners of the Buccaneers, will receive a lifetime membership to the Orchids of Asia Day Spa in Vero Beach.