The coronavirus pandemic has turned the whole world topsy-turvy, essentially shutting down the economy and plummeting the markets into future uncertainly. Hit especially hard has been Cubs billionaire owners, the Ricketts family, who have been hemorrhaging money over the past several weeks with Spring Training on hiatus and Wrigleyville on lockdown.

“If things continue this way, we’re going to run out of cash sometime around the turn of the century,” said Cubs Chairman Tom Ricketts. “I mean, who’s going to pay Jason Heyward’s salary?”

Thankfully for the Rickettses, their own Marquee Sports Network is coming to the rescue this week by hosting a 48-hour telethon to benefit the family, starting on Monday morning. Several of the most popular Fox News personalities, including Tucker Carlson, Lou Dobbs, Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham, will serve as telethon emcees in a fully concerted effort to raise critical funds for the destitute family.

“We’ve learned quite a few tricks about insider trading since this whole pandemic hit that I believe will be of great benefit to Tom, Joe, Pete and other members of this struggling family,” said Dobbs. “In times of hopelessness, Americans tend to come together to help those less fortunate. I see the whole nation rallying around the Ricketts family in their most urgent time of need, unless of course they’re subscribers to Comcast.”

Image by Adrian P. 

Jeremy Barewin