Holed up in his North Carolina home on Wednesday, Bears’ quarterback Mitchell Trubisky received quite a shock while watching NFL Network, when the scroll across the bottom of the screen confirmed Chicago’s trade for former Super Bowl MVP Nick Foles to replace him as the team’s starting signal caller. The announcement sent the underachieving former No. 2 overall draft pick running to the toilet, where he has remained ever since, according to family.

“Mitchell has literally and figuratively lost his shit,” said his brother Mason, who he lives with. “He’s been locked in the bathroom for the last five hours and keeps yelling out to me to go to the store to get more toilet paper. We had two dozen rolls just this morning.”

While confident that he didn’t need much practice in the off-season to remain the Bears’ starter, the elder Trubisky had taken to some light tossing with his siblings in recent days to keep his arm in shape during social isolation.

“I hope he comes out of the bathroom soon,” said other Trubisky brother, Manning. “Not only do we have no toilet paper left, we need Mitchell’s help to fix the fence in the backyard, he keeps missing wide and right. Our neighbors have been picking off his passes left and right.”

Jeremy Barewin