Cubs management has declared “publicly,” that they are closely following the Cubs in a literal sense (as opposed to the latter-day “electronically” following of something, like Justin Bieber, whereby in reality you do nothing except spin your wheels). This 2019 agenda is supposed to ensure that the Cubs win 97 games.

Theo, Jason and Tom vowed to make destination visits with vengeance on making sure the Cubs win two of three or three of four in every road series all year long.

“By nagging the team with our physical presence on the road, we will remind the players they are supposed to win games, not lose them,” said either Theo or Tom or someone, i.e., a party responsible for paying these mercenaries on the Cubs. The risqué notion is akin to staring at a spoon and willing it to bend.

“You see,” confided Cubs owner Tom Ricketts, “it’s us [Jason, Todd, et al] who enabled the Cubs to win 95 games last year. We’re in force full-measure to ensure 97 wins this year. We can’t rely on the players to do this. The guys on my team, they can’t pitch. Especially Carl Edwards Jr. and Yu Darvish. They suck.”

A newly-installed corporate discipline memo [marked “Extremely Urgent”] identifies — and circles — 10 “trap” games on the 2019 schedule. The brain-trust themselves took command of circling those 10 dates on the calendar. They weren’t trusting of the frat-boy fanbase to do so. No. The Cubs mean business.

“We found that statistically speaking, every lifelong Cubs fan who previously had promised to want for nothing in exchange for just 1 WS championship, turned out to be nothing but a f***ing liar,” Ricketts said on the heels of the historical finding the Cubs are susceptible to losing trap games.

“By having a calendar, and by circling those ten dates and showing the players the calendar in a meeting that we had, we are ensured of winning those games in 2019,” said someone, Jason or someone. It might have been Theo or Tom. Some are betting it was Todd who said it, dressed up as an undercover boss.