White Sox fans on the verge of insanity can finally stop refreshing Manny Machado’s Instagram page, after Jerry Reinsdorf used all of the $2.9 billion he received from selling the Bulls to sign Machado to a 10-year mega-contract.

Reinsdorf, who sold the Bulls to Elon Musk, says that he is looking forward to putting all of his money into one new player on the White Sox, and hopes that Musk can shoot the Bulls into space to keep us safe from ever having to watch them again.

Not to be outdone by Machado, Bryce Harper still remains unsigned, but has supposedly been offered the White House and U.S. presidency by the Nationals.

Shingo TaCatsu