It’s a somber day in Chicago. Clark the Cub, the beloved mascot of the Cubs, hailed by many as the main reason the curse was broken, was apparently attacked by a thug paw patrol intent on committing some serious mascot on mascot crime.
Details are furry, but apparently the bear-ophobic attack started just after closing time at Clark’s favorite place to unwind, PoleKatz, right before Clark hopped on the Polar express.
According to a source familiar with the soft fuzzy fleecy furry adorable hate crime, the details are incredibly grizzly. The Woolly bully, or bullies, accosted Clark, tried to take his Wrigley Field fun bucks and left him in an un-fur-tunate state of panda-monium.
As of press time, suspects include Fredbird from the St Louis Cardinals, White Sox native Southpaw, the Bennie the Bull who keeps robbing banks, Bernie Brewer, Gunnersaurus the laughable dinosaur mascot of the Arsenal soccer club and Stuff the Magic Dragon, Orlando’s high flying crow pleasing dunk in your face, family friendly mascot.
When asked if he was sure that these were the suspects, a defiant Clark stated “Yes. I’m the victim here and I’ll talk more during my exclusive primetime interview on Animal Planet next week with Wolf Blitzer and Keith Olbearmann.