Bears kicker Cody Parkey announced today that he’s retiring from football immediately and switching careers.
“I’ve found my true calling,” said Parkey just minutes after wrapping his appearance on the TODAY show Friday. “This is where I’m meant to be.”
The TODAY staff show were so moved by Parkey’s performance, which resulted in the co-hosts calling him the “Most Honorable Player,” that they offered him to be their full-time “Sports & Failure Correspondent.”
“We just knew we’d love Cody from the minute he sat down on our stage,” said Savanna Guthrie, who gushed about Parkey’s response to his disastrous kick and along with the other hosts laughed at Parkey’s “aw shucks” approach to the miss. “It’s clear he belongs on set with us, not on a football field.”
Added Guthrie: “It’ll be nice to have someone with a sports background on our show, since we clearly have no idea what we’re talking about.”
The Bears front office reportedly has gleefully accepted Parkey’s retirement, which voids the remaining $5.2 million owed on his contract.
“Man, this is a great turn of events!” said GM Ryan Pace. “Why didn’t Mike Glennon do this too?”