An estimated 36,000 Chicago Cubs fans shut down a section of the Kennedy Expressway Monday to protest the end of $16 Miller Lite Beer Buckets at Murphy’s Bleachers.

The protest march, which snarled traffic for miles in both directions, was to draw attention to the end of the popular drink special at Murphy’s, a fixture in the Wrigleyville neighborhood for almost 80 years. Cubs fans became outraged when the sports bar announced it was cancelling the discounted buckets, which are also worn over the head as protection from falling Wrigley scoreboard debris.

“It’s wonderful to see the city’s lazy, entitled millennials take to the streets to fight this great injustice” said Father Michael Pfleger, pastor of St. Sabina Catholic church, who led a similar protest march on the Dan Ryan Expressway in July. “Of course my people were marching for basic human dignity and the right not to get shot. Whereas these dumbasses are marching for cheap shots and beer.”

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel tried to diffuse the situation by imploring the crowd to turn back and return to their cushy River North lofts and luxury Lakeview condos. “Listen, bitches, there are still $6 Stoli cocktails Wednesday nights at the Cubby Bear,” scolded the Mayor. “And you can always score low-priced Molly in bathrooms at numerous Wrigleyville bars.”

State police said protesting Cubs fans were mostly peaceful, though highly intoxicated and there primarily to hook up with someone, much like a night game at Wrigley.

gregory paul