Friday morning, a sweating, trembling Matt Nagy drew up an entire personnel package where running back Tarik Cohen lines up as a pulling guard.

“Look. This guy is loaded, I mean LOADED with talent, we gotta find ways. New, and innovative ways, to get this guy onto the field,” yelled the wide-eyed Nagy, who barely took a breath during his entire statement.

For the previous week, the new Bears coach had been racking his brain for new ways to utilize the talented second year speedster, after he had an electrifying rookie campaign.

“I don’t care how many Super Bowls I win. If Tarik Cohen does not get inducted to the Hall of Fame at seven different positions, by time here with the Bears will have been a complete and utter failure. And I will not rest, until Cody Whitehair is able to rest up on the sidelines knowing that our 4-foot-8, 600-pound animal who runs a 1.7 40-yard dash has his job taken care of,” continued Nagy, this time lying face up on a bed while being examined by the team doctor.

Offensive coordinator Mark Helfrich is currently temporarily filling in for Nagy while he recovered at Bourbonnais hospital. He is expected to return to training camp next Friday.

By Mitchell Trachtenberg