Highly sought after free agent and Chuck Norris’ long-lost son, Jake Arrieta, has agreed to re-sign with the Cubs on the condition that he can wear a Smedium-sized jersey.
Arrieta, who wore a size medium jersey in his previous years with the Cubs, says that he would be willing to take a pay cut and forgo his asking price of $200 million, if his jersey request is agreed upon.
“You know, baseball is really a psychological game,” said Arrieta. “Not only do I want the hitters to be afraid of my beard and fastball, but I want to get in their heads and have them checking under their beds at night for my forearms and biceps too.”
Arrieta’s contract with the Cubs would also include 10 minutes of warmup time every inning, allowing Jake to do his yoga and pushups for optimum tightness of his jersey.