Human Growth Hormone (HGH) has been suspended by Major League Baseball for 80 games after testing positive for Jake Arrieta.
“This is all just a big misunderstanding,” said HGH. “I was simply waterboarding myself with Rogaine on a nightly basis to try and achieve Jake’s level of bearded manliness.”
Under MLB’s drug suspension policy, HGH will begin its 80-game suspension immediately without pay. Joining HGH in suspension is Barry Bonds’ head cream and whatever the hell Brett Lawrie takes on a daily basis to make him the way he is.
ESPN personality Stephen A. Smith was not available for comment, as he is in the hospital to surgically remove his foot from his mouth, which is attached to his face, which is currently stuck up his rectum.