Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Detroit Lions The Fighting Suh stomp on Washington 27-20 behind 385 yards from Matthew Stafford and a Megatron Mega-TD.
9 – Cincinnati Bengals Cincy wins a rumble in the jungle vs. Green Bay, a sloppy & exciting fight that certainly shouldn’t have been the undercard to some of the late afternoon games. Game decided 34-30 on a Terence Newman fumble return.
8 – Indianapolis Colts Hoosier Horseshoes step up a couple weight classes, but TKO the ‘Niners nonetheless. Luck, Bradshaw & newbie Richardson all gallop for TDs in 27-7 win.
7 – Kansas City Chiefs K.C. and the Sunshine Band pummel Philly behind the new Reid option, 26-16. Donnie Avery leads the way with 141 yards on 7 catches.
6 – Miami Dolphins Atlanta tried to flog the dolphin in South Beach. Hey, stupid Falcons, don’t try and flog the dolphin in Florida! Ryan Tannehill connects with Dion Sims for game-winner with :38 left, water mammals prevail 27-23.
5 – New England Patriots Tom Brady & Co. cream their third straight tomato can. This week’s victim: the Tampa Bay Bucs (23-3 behind 225 yards/2 Brady TD passes). Their schedule is softer than “Money” Mayweather’s.
4 – Chicago Bears Monsters of the Midway crush the Men of Steel 40-23 to set up NFC North title bout in Detroit next week. Bears force 5 TOs and get 87 yards rushing/TD from Matt Forte.
3 – Seattle ‘Hawks Another Sonic Boom in the Pacific Northwest, blood seen dripping out of several Jax players during 45-17 beat-down (Led by Master of Disaster Russell Wilson’s 4 TD tosses).
2 – Denver Broncos Peyton Manning wins shootout at the KO corral (37-21, 3 TD passes) vs. my boys in first match-up of the league’s top teams in 2013. But remember fake neck boy, revenge is a dish best served in the Black Hole.
1 – Oakland Raiders The league’s most athletic and entertaining team continues to show newfound versatility with Darren McFadden as our newest passing threat. Look out!

Program note – The September 29th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy (sponsored by Piggly Wiggly & Stroh’s) hits the road with a visit to College Station, Texas so Marv can spank some sense into Johnny Football before he joins the NFL.


Patrick O. Elia