The Cubs took a shortcut towards satisfying their long-suffering fans by printing the first batch of revised tickets clearly stating that attendance at a Cubs game is for amusement purposes only.

“Winning isn’t everything,” Cubs president Theo Epstein said. “It was just an option.”

Going forward, fans will enjoy Cubs baseball knowing that the team’s only purpose will be to provide them with amusement. They no longer will have to put up with the Cubs plan.

“I don’t know what we were thinking,” Cubs GM Jed Hoyer said. “Do you want to go to the game with me on Friday and get wasted?”

The Cubs mission statement will be printed in .12 Rockwell Extra Bold type and accompanied by a depiction of Emo Philips at a game in 1980.

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle,” Philips said.

By Rob C. Christiansen