Cubs owner Tom Ricketts this weekend admitted that he only purchased the Cubs so he could get on the cover of Vineline, the official Cubs magazine and his favorite reading material.
“In the illustrious history of the Cubs, only one publication has brought fans the true side of the franchise and I’ve longed to be a part of it ever since the first issue rolled off the presses more than 28 years ago,” said Ricketts. “From hard-hitting exposés on Jody Davis’s off-season work ethic to stories about Marlon Byrd that use the word ‘hustle’ 15 times, there’s just something about Vineline that’s appealed to me. Now that I own the club, I’m proud to make the cover on pretty much a monthly basis.”
Ricketts said most people would think it’s ridiculous to spend nearly $1 billion on a struggling sports franchise just to be featured in a magazine with a subscription of rougly 30,000, but that’s what makes him different.
“Before I bought the Cubs I was only being featured in magazines like Billionaires Monthly and Yachts Bigger Than Most Houses Quarterly, but now I’m in Vineline, which shows everyone that I’m one with the people,” said Ricketts. “That’s really what this is all about.”
Ricketts was asked about his previously stated commitment to bring a World Series title to Wrigleyville as his motivation for buying the Cubs.
“Yeah … so it turns out that’s going to be a lot harder than I thought,” said Ricketts. “Instead we’re just going to cook up Vineline feature after Vineline feature about how awesome I am.”
Added Ricketts: “I bet you knew I met my wife in the bleachers, but after September’s 5,000-word cover story you’ll learn everything about that fateful game, from how many overpriced Bud Lights I drank that day to how Bob Scanlan blew a sure save by firing a pickoff attempt into the fifth row. It’ll be great!”
Ever the salesman and in desperate need of financing his over-leveraged investment, Ricketts had a subtle reminder for the scores of Cubs fans who aren’t currently subscribing to Vineline.
“Did you know you can get a one-year subscription to Vineline for just $29.95? Or three years for the whopping savings of just $75?” said Ricketts. “It’s such a homerun of a deal you’ll think Carlos Marmol served it up to you on a platter.”
Added Ricketts: “Or you can con yourself in believing season tickets are a worthwhile investment and we’ll send you copies of Vineline in the mail whether you want them or not!”