With talks on Wrigley Field modernization stalled, Cubs chairman and CEO Tom Ricketts announced his intention to relocate the team somewhere in the Atlantic, beyond the territorial sovereignty of the United States. The move, pending MLB approval, would be effective with the 2014 season.

The off-shore location was a surprise winner in the sweepstakes to see what venue would meet the team’s demands for enhancements like a new Jumbotron scoreboard, more night games, and other new revenue options that the City of Chicago was balking at.

Speculation had centered on suburban Rosemont as the future home of the Cubs, but Ricketts put those rumors to rest with today’s announcement.

“In 2014, the Cubs will play all home games on a floating entertainment complex approximately 200 miles off the coast of Virginia,” said Ricketts. “In order to be competitive, we need revenue enhancement opportunities that only a Nigerian-flagged, converted oil rig, moored safely outside the reach of government, neighbors, rooftop owners, and fans can provide. We’ve got a World Series to win!”

Plans call for visiting teams to be helicoptered to the adjoining hotel and floating theme park, “Wrigley Water World,” which will offer year-round “family fun,” according to a team spokesperson. Cubs management will also be relocated from their current cramped offices in Wrigley Field to a post office box in the Cayman Islands.

In an unrelated statement, the Cubs announced that season ticket prices will be increasing 37% for next year.

Cary Nathenson