Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Washington Redskins ‘Skins scalp ‘Boys 28-18 to clinch NFC East crown behind this week’s Master of Disaster Alfred “The Butler” Morris’ 200 rushing yards/3 TDs. My Hollywood sources tell me a distraught Tony Romo got loaded after the game and drunk-dialed Jessica Simpson.
9 – Minnesota Vikings The Purple Packer Eaters clinch a wild-card berth by nipping GB 37-34 at Mall of America Metrodome Paul Bunyan Park of Minneapolis/St. Paul. Adrian Peterson falls just short of single-season rushing record but does run for 199 and scores both a rushing and receiving TD.
8 – San Francisco 49ers ‘Niners rebound from Seattle shellacking by choking out Cardinals 27-13, led by Michael Crabtree’s 172 receiving yards and 2 TDs. NFL demotes Arizona to Canadian Football League following their spit-bucket season.
7 – Indy Colts The Luck-y horseshoe squad from the heartland knocks the Texans out 28-16 and out of my Top 10 ‘cuz the chumps look dazed and drool-y. Andrew Luck tosses 2 TD passes as Colts reach playoffs for the first time in over a year.
6 – Denver Broncos Denver disintegrates KC 38-3, sews up AFC top seed using hemp-based thread. Also, players celebrate by smoking their hemp jerseys after game and get so stoned they almost don’t notice how much GM John Elway looks like a horse. Almost. Peyton Manning leads the way with 304 passing yards/3 TDs.
5 – New England Patriots The Brady Crunch smashes Miami 28-0 with Mr. Thomas Brady warming up for the playoffs with 284 passing yards and 2 scores. Dolphin RB Reggie Bush almost missed game after being snagged in a New Englander’s fishing net.
4 – Atlanta Falcons Dirty Birds perform dress rehearsal for first round playoff loss by laying down 22-17 for the Tampa popsicles. Matt Ryan throws only 1 TD pass while Michael Turner scoots in for a 17-yard score.
3 – Green Bay Packers Aaron Rodgers throws for 365 yards and 4 TDs but Gooey Green and Gold TD over-celebrators fall to Vikings in contest marred by fans from both teams unable to exit stadium from gaining too much weight during game eating/drinking/eating. Porkers are eventually removed via helicopter when roof of dome cut open.
2 – Seattle Seahawks RW1 and Co. struggle a bit vs. Rams, clinching 20-13 win via Russell Wilson 1-yard TD scamper with 1:59 left in game. Seahawks struggles probably can be attributed to team wearing flannel shirts and hip boots to pay homage to their city’s grunge rock roots. Yeah they come to snuff the rooster!
1 – Oakland Raiders The Silver and Black Attack rest regulars vs. Chargers to prepare for run to the Lombardi Trophy. Did you see that ESPN 30 for 30 on Bo Jackson? That’s one bad mother(bleeper)! Pride and Poise, Pride and Poise, Commit to Excellence and big fat drunk kickers!
Program note – The January 5th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show (Playoffs Edition!) starring myself and Marv Levy will feature us evaluating our rivals on other studio shows. Evaluations will be based on head-square-ness (Howie Long’s can be used as a building level), un-understandable-ness of speech (Shannon Sharp needs closed-captioning), yuck-yucking by ex-QBs (Terry Bradshaw, Dan Marino, Boomer Esiason) and out-of-touchness of ex-coaches (any and all of those guys from Mike Ditka to Jimmy Johnson). Marv will also show us all how to workout with a medicine ball.