One of the pleasant surprises this year is the success of former Pirates first round draft pick and avid crocheter, Paul Maholm who has somehow managed to climb over .500 on a team that expected him to adhere to his contracted standard of  a .250 winning percentage.

Many people are happy for his success, but unfortunately this doesn’t fit into the 2012 Cubs losing plans, so they have optioned him to Triple-A Iowa for some who can suck better.

“Paul’s contract states: Be awful, give up home runs and get out of the way for 2015,” said an angered Cubs GM Jed Hoyer. “Chris Volstad apparently got the memo.”

Traditionally, the Cubs minor league system is tops in the league for destroying future talent. Malhom will be taught how to throw hanging sliders and bring his velocity down into the mid 80s, in hopes of restoring him to an epically inefficient pitcher.

“I told Paul: ‘Give it a month or two on the towel drill and you will be back soon,” said Hoyer. “We might need him to take away starts for players during the September call-ups.”

Brew Dreesus