Fans of the Chicago Cubs and Milwaukee Brewers converged on Miller Park today not to watch their wretched baseball teams, but to finally determine which franchise has Major League Baseball’s drunkest supporters. Decades of misery and generations of alcoholism have led Cubs and Brewers fans to unbridled binge drinking, especially when baseball is involved.

With Bud Selig and members of Stats, Inc. present, the beer-swilling began a full 8 hours before game time. Stats, Inc. compiled the following Tale of the Tape to officially determine whether Cubs or Brewers fans are the biggest booze hounds.

Reasons For Drinking — Cubs Fans
–Over 100 years without a championship is enough to make anyone not want to face reality.
–Because their team plays so many day games, they are used to being completely plastered by 2 PM.

Reasons For Drinking — Brewers Fans
–Wisconsin law dictates that anyone over the age of 13 must drink at least 12 beers per day.
–Their team is called the Brewers, duh.

Advantage: Cubs Fans

Highest Recorded BAC
Cubs Fans: .34
Brewers Fans: .41
Advantage: Brewers Fans

Arrests for public urination
Cubs Fans: 12
Brewers Fans: 9
Advantage: Cubs Fans

Fans still in the parking lot drinking during 1st pitch
Cubs Fans: 7,539
Brewers Fans: 15,331
Advantage: Brewers Fans

Fans who never made it in to the game because they passed out in a portable toilet
Cubs Fans: 7
Brewers Fans: 43
Advantage: Brewers Fans

Amount Puked
Cubs Fans: 152 Gallons
Brewers Fans: 105 Gallons
Advantage: Brewers Fans’ Higher Tolerance

Fans beat up by security after running on the field
Cubs Fans: 1
Brewers Fans: 2
Advantage: Brewers Fans

Arrests for throwing cheese fries in a mini helmet at the Racing Sausages
Cubs Fans: 1
Brewers Fans: 0
Advantage: Cubs Fans

Fans kicked out for harassing other team’s fans with slurred, incoherent insults
Cubs Fans: 586
Brewers Fans: 422
Advantage: Cubs Fans

Fans stupidly interfering with a foul ball their team was trying to catch
Cubs Fans: 1
Brewers Fans: 0
Advantage: Cubs Fans

Beer of Choice
Cubs Fans: Old Style
Brewers Fans: Pabst Blue Ribbon
Advantage: Brewers Fans

Final Score:
Brewers Fans: 6
Cubs Fans: 5

After the grueling sloshfest, it was determined that Brewers fans narrowly edge Cubs fans in overall drunkenness. Cubs fans decried the outcome, insisting that Brewers fans should “Com er on Wrigleyvll n see da er stuff go ana der…”

Trailer Park Charlie