For many St. Louis residents, Christmas came early this year when the Cardinals held their first and last “Free Sleeveless Tee Night.” Unfortunately, fans could not stay calm for the mesh, 100% polyester Cardinals tee, sparking riots.

The error in Busch Stadium promotions came when they offered the sleeveless tees to the first 10,000 fans who entered the park. 250,000 fans created a shanty town outside in anticipation, but due to a lack of basic mathematics skills, fans never realized that almost everyone would leave empty-handed — until it was too late.

Riots poured onto the field during batting practice, and the Missouri National Guard was called in for support. Intelligently, the National Guard announced free beer at the local police stations, ending the riots almost immediately and leading fans directly to their jail cells.

“I was looking forward to one of those free XXXL tee’s,” said Shirlene Davis, a St. Louis native. “I’ll settle for this beer after I get charged for manslaughter though.”

Brew Dreesus