Jealous Patrick Kane’s reckless party animal persona,┬áJonathan Toews decided to let his hair down this Mother’s Day weekend in Branson, Mo., the town Bart Simpson once described as “Like Las Vegas if Ned Flanders ran it.”

“I was with my mom for the holiday and Andrew Shaw because he’s underage and can’t get into clubs anywhere else,” said Captain Serious. “The three of us planned to take in ‘The Amazing Waltzing Waters’ and shoot over to the ‘Cat’s Pajamas’ for dinner Saturday night, but our whole night got screwed up when we decided to take in an encore of the Yakov Smirnoff show because it was such a hoot.”

Toews said the night got completely out of hand from there.

“Andrew and I totally overdid it on the Shirley Temples,” said Toews. “My mom was freaking out because she hasn’t had two kids hopped up on sugar on her hands since I was still living at home a few years ago so she had no idea how to handle us. Somehow we managed to get back to our hotel in time for the sugar to wear off and we passed out for like 15 hours. It was pure insanity.”

Brew Dreesus