With a long offseason ahead of him, Patrick Kane decided to put his time and extraordinary hockey skills to good use for the good of mankind. Kane sought a position in the ‘Avengers Initiative,’ an ensemble of superheroes put together by S.H.I.E.L.D. to protect mankind from perilous threats to its existence. Kane reasoned his killer slapshot and superior boozing abilities would earn him a spot on the Avengers. His application: denied. Reason: Kane is a boorish d-bag.

“Patrick Kane is not of sound moral fiber,” said Captain America. “In fact, he is kind of a douche. We can’t have our superheroes uttering anti-Semitic remarks and choking 18-year-old girls at college parties.”

Thor echoed Cap’s reasoning.

“Kane makes Tony Stark look like the freaking Pope,” said the Asgardian God.

Kane was disappointed after being denied entry and was spotted sulking away from the team with his head down and hands in pockets.

“It just isn’t fair,” Kane said. “I would be whipping 100 MPH slapshots at aliens like nobody’s business. Come on, they let one chick in because she can do back flips, and another guy is an Avenger because he shoots a bow and arrow. Seriously, a bow and arrow? I challenge any of them to a drinking contest right here, right now, bro…”

Kane then trailed off to go pick a fight with some Rangers’ fans, because “those dudes were totally scamming on my tail, man,” Kane said.