For nearly a decade, Chicago White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski has dyed his hair bleached-blonde, a look that has been speculated to be effective in repelling feral cats.

The hair dye requires a very elaborate treatment process that includes six different chemicals, sheep urine and a blow torch. There are few hair salons in the greater Chicago area that will still go through this dangerous process. One such place, ‘Rosa’s Hair Pressing and Tire Repair,’ situated at an undisclosed metro location, recently was the scene of Pierzynski being assaulted by a woman sitting in a chair next to him during his hair treatment.

Pierzynski was allegedly attacked by the proprietor Rosa’s third cousin, after expressing his displeasure with the length and color of her nails. The unwritten rules about never making disparaging remarks about nails, hair or Anderson Cooper while in the establishment were apparently lost on the White Sox catcher.

Pierzynski was reported last seen running from the nail salon sobbing uncontrollably with several small scrapes on his face. Big Mike, co-owner of ‘Rosa’s Hair Pressing and Tire Repair,’ commented on the situation.

“Never talk about another woman’s nails,” said Big Mike. “And he needs to come pick up his VW Bug I re-aligned.”

By Andy Landgrebe. Photoshop by Kurt Evans

Andy Landgrebe