Cubs President Theo Epstein’s reliance on statistics extends far beyond the baseball field, as evidenced by the gift he purchased for his wife on Valentine’s Day: 4.752 ounces of chocolate.

“That’s the optimum amount of chocolate,” said Epstein. “Bill [James] is a big proponent of the Cocoa-Endorphin Index, which focuses on the perfect balance of chocolate intake and its effect on the human brain. Before CEI, I used to just buy a box of chocolates and pray for a good result. Now I can be mathematically sure my wife will be happy with my gift.”

Heckler George