Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning and the news was not good for the Cubs. He saw his shadow and the Cubs will not win the World Series for six more years. This means that the tenure of Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer will be a bust since it is only a five-year pact.

“This is a sad day for Cubs fans,” Epstein said. “As for myself, I can only say that I am under contract and am guaranteed payment under said terms for five years. This is good for me and my family because the house I bought in town is expensive.”

Jed Hoyer expressed similar sentiment with the exception being that he is renting an apartment and only has a year lease. “The news is bad,” Hoyer said. “But at least I can always count on Punxsutawney Phil to pick the Super Bowl winner as he does every year for me. Bad news good news in the same week. Kind of a wash.”

Punxsutawney Phil was reached for comment via a mic and camera on a string lowered into his burrow. “Don’t kill the messenger,” Phil said. “Oh, I thought that was a golf club.” Phil then tapped the microphone with a paw and asked if this thing was on. “Testing, testing,” he said.

Cubs owner Tom Ricketts is the most disheartened of all because, like most of his team’s fan base, he has been a Cubs fan his whole life. “It’s doubly hard to root in vain for the Cubs and own them,” Ricketts said. “It’ll drive me to drink but at least I won’t be alone.”

Crane Kenney laughed when he heard the news. Kenney was in essence demoted this season to business operations president and no is longer responsible for being knowledgeable of baseball. “I’m going skiing in Wisconsin and plan to enjoy myself,” Kenney said, referring to the additional finding made by Punxsutawney Phil that winter is extended for six more weeks.

By Rob C. Christiansen