As renovations to Wrigley Field continue—including the addition of the Budweiser Patio seats in right field—Cubs Chairman Tom Ricketts and other top brass have proposed another addition to the Friendly Confines in order to make the facilities more amenable to players. At a Tuesday press conference, Ricketts announced his latest idea.

“In light of the fact that we can’t dump Alfonso Soriano’s contract, we’ve decided to make life as comfortable as possible for our aging slugger,” Ricketts said. “So, today, I’m announcing the addition of the ‘Bud Light Recliner Section’ in left field.”

The new section is proposed to be relatively inexpensive, as the addition includes only one fully reclining chair positioned firmly in left field, approximately 300 feet from home plate. The chair will be removed in the bottom half of every inning, so the opposing team’s player can freely roam the field.

When asked why the addition of the single chair, Ricketts explained.

“We figured we have to play Soriano. However, he does us a whole lot more good if he just stays still out there. Now he can waive at girls in the stands, toss balls to kids, and—most importantly—stay out of everybody’s way. Hopefully, we can trot him up to the plate every third inning and pray he makes contact. We’re just trying to eliminate as many unknowns as possible.”

The proposal must pass approval by the City’s Landmark Commission. Spokeswoman, Carol Shivoney, seemed to be accepting of the idea.

“We thought he was a statue just sitting out there all along. As far as we are concerned, he was already a landmark, so why not make the fixture more permanent?”

Manny L. Scoreboard