Buoyed by his perceived success of placing the world’s biggest single-game league championships in the middle of a small, snowy Midwestern town, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell this morning announced that he has selected an even smaller, snowy Midwestern town to host the 2016 Super Bowl.
“This year’s Super Bowl has already been such a tremendous success that I am thrilled to announce Super Bowl L in 2016 will be held in beautiful Des Moines, Iowa,” said Goodell, while shivering behind a makeshift podium at Indianapolis’s Super Bowl Village. “While they don’t have an NFL-sized stadium to host the game, they do have this awesome plot of land between a pair of hog farms that can easily fit 8,000 to 10,000 people who will no doubt have the time of their lives watching the single-most popular sporting event of the year.”
While many fans of the sport were quick to condemn Goodell for again failing to put the Super Bowl in a more desirable winter location like Florida or California, the commission said he had “absolutely no concern” for criticism from others.
“Look, I’m the goddamn boss of this sport and you will respect my authority,” said Goodell. “If I want to play this game from a space station, that’s exactly what we’ll do, expect playing on a space station might actually be kind of cool, you can rest assured we’ll never even consider it.”