Kendrick Perkins spent the evening in a Los Angeles hospital after Blake Griffin mounted a thunderous dunk over the entire body of the Oklahoma City center. Although the source of his ailment was undisclosed, Thunder team officials believe Perkins has lost his will to live after Griffin’s soul-crushing-posterizing dunk.

“Yeah, it’s either that or Kendrick’s checking to see if he still has all his man parts,” said one official speaking anonymously.

Meanwhile, Los Angeles authorities quickly ushered Griffin from the stadium and escorted him to L.A. Precinct 32, where he was booked and charged with “Assault with a Leather Weapon”—apparently a Class B Misdemeanor in the state of California.

Griffin’s attorney, Fred Shuhurst, issued this statement early Tuesday morning: “My client is innocent of this charge. This kid’s not a criminal. The only law he’s ever defied is the law of gravity. If anything, he and Chris Paul should be charged with Conspiracy to Commit Awesomeness!”

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