American Idol washout Kelly Clarkson has vowed to out-suck any past Super Bowl performance of the Star Spangled Banner.
“Forget Whitney Houston. Forget 1991. Hell, forget Christina Aguilera. I’m going to be remembered for being the worst,” said Clarkson. “Forgotten words, horrible sound, and a god-awful appearance. I’m going for the trifecta!”
Apparently Clarkson, the former American Idol winner, was inspired by Steven Tyler’s crappy performance of the National Anthem during the AFC Championship.
“I just watched him perform the song. He was horrible. But that’s what people remembered. How ragged his face looked and how much we’d rather watch him botch ‘Love in an Elevator’ instead of our National Anthem. It motivated me to do the same thing.”
Clarkson admitted it would be difficult to beat Tyler’s apparel.
“That Patriot’s scarf!” she said. “My god, I don’t know if I can top that thing. I honestly thought Skeletor had become a cross-dresser!”
Nevertheless, Clarkson is counting on the fact that she has no redeeming qualities to compensate for her lack of talent or brains.
“I mean Christina Aguilera really sucked last year. But none of the guys noticed because all they could think about was wearing her panties as a hat,” said Clarkson. “But with me, the sheer thought of intimacy would make most men vomit. I really have a shot at all-time suckiness.”