Major college sports programs took a huge collective step forward today when the Big Ten Conference declared itself a sovereign nation independent from the United States.
“After decades of trying to skirt the unnecessary legal confines presented by the United States and its tyrannical government, today we say ‘No more!'” said Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany with an effigy of Uncle Sam burning behind him while he addressed a massive, energetic crowd made up of mostly conference and school administrators, staff and mascots on the lawn of the Big Ten’s Park Ridge, Ill., headquarters. “From now on the Big Ten will formally operate by its own laws rather than simply pretend to be adhering to cumbersome and restrictive guidelines handed down by our government.”
Delany outlined his plan for sovereignty of the newly formed Big Ten Nation saying it only included the conference’s big-time athletic programs and that non-profitable, “dorky” school functions like academics and women’s sports would be left behind.
“For too long we’ve been forced to pretend that things like classes and women’s basketball are as important to us as men’s basketball and football,” said Delany. “It has been impossible for us to function as the multi-billion dollar corporation we are under these stifling rules.”
Additionally, Delany said citizens of Big Ten Nation would have diplomatic immunity outside its borders, allowing administrators, coaches and athletes to conduct themselves however they choose without being subjected to United States federal or state laws.
“If Barry Alvarez wants to get drunk and drive 95 MPH in a school zone, who are the Madison Police to ask him to stop? Do they not know Barry is bigger than Madison its flimsy legals requests?” said Delany. “And if a group of Illinois football players want to beat up some little underclassman for studying late-night at a Denny’s when they’re highly intoxicated and looking for a fight, they must do so expecting immunity from the standard laws of the land.”
Delany said that Big Ten Nation will change nothing about the way it operates, including compensating players.
“Becoming a millionaire on the backs of unpaid ‘student athletes’ who risk their long-term health and safety to participate in our programs is one of the best scams going, so no, we’re not going to change that,” said Delany. “I might be breaking our operations off from the rest of the country, but I’m not that nuts.”