With the onset of the 27th annual Cubs Convention, the majority of the focus of the family-friendly weekend is expected to be on new President of Baseball Operations Theo Epstein. He presumably will face a bevy of questions from fans and media about the future of the Cubs. Or will he?

“Have you met Kim?” asks Epstein about the wife of new Cubs outfielder David DeJesus. “Kim, I’d like you to meet Tim.”

Oh. My. God. This woman is absolutely gorgeous. And she is walking toward me. I… I… what do I do? Or say? This lady probably craps better looking things than me.

“Hi,” says Kristina, I mean, Kate. I think. “It’s very nice to meet you, Tim. Are you a reporter?”


“H..i,” my voice cracks. Damn it! “I mean, ehem, yes, I write for The HandlerThe Pecker… I write for The Heckler. It’s about sports nudes. News. Sports news.” I’m sweating, aren’t I? Did I shower today? What day is it?

“Well, that’s great,” smiles Kylie with the most enchanting smile ever in the history of midget basketball awesomeness. “I hope you’re not too hard on my husband.”

One of my knees goes with the word “hard.” “I… I… um…”

“He and I are just so excited to be in Chicago.” I WILL FIGHT YOUR HUSBAND TO THE DEATH TO POSSESS YOU, WOMAN.

“Chicago… Yes… We are being in Chicago… for… the baseball stuff.” I can’t breath, but I suddenly feel completely at peace. I am drawn to the light surrounding Karol.

“Kim,” I hear a familiar voice say in the distance. “I’d like you to meet Paul Sullivan.”

“It was great to meet you,” says Kim, who then kisses me on the cheek.

Epstein was not available for further questions when I woke up on the sidewalk on Michigan Ave. Suffice it to say his strategy for the Cubs is being played very close to the vest, and it is anybody’s guess as to what exactly his plans are for this team.

Tim Baffoe