Theo Epstein has cleaned house a bit and traded Carlos Zambrano, but he didn’t sign Albert Pujols or Prince Fielder or find a taker for Alfonso Soriano. Epstein said that these failed objectives were weighing on his mind on the eve of his first Cubs Convention as team president.

However, in an expression of gratitude towards all the fans who warmly welcomed him in October, Epstein has amazingly pulled a rabbit app out of his iPhone. He says that he has signed Prince Fielder. No one can believe it.

“It’s true,“ Epstein said. “Thank you, Cubs fans. I love you back. We have acquired Prince Fielder and he will appear at the Convention.”

Naturally, Cubs fans are thrilled by the news even though the fine print of Fielder’s contract states the deal is only for two-and-a-half days, after which Fielder will again become a free agent.

“Prince Fielder’s market value is around $27 million per year,” Epstein said. “That kind of spending is not part of our culture. The best we can do is pay him $500,000 for a weekend.”

Epstein said that Fielder will replace the cow standing outside Kitty O’Sheas and wave to fans as they enter and exit the cozy bar located in the southeast corner of the hotel. Fans attending the convention said that their priority is to have a good time and they don’t care what happens to the Cubs after their Convention.

“I’m usually drunk at the Cubs Convention and fall off the cow,” Cubs fan Olivia Grange said. Grange said she has fallen off the cow every year since 2004. “Prince Fielder won‘t let me fall off him because he’s a real prince and a good fielder!”

By Rob C. Christiansen