Hey, you. Dude at the end of the bar. I’ve seen you look over here a couple of times. I know what you’re thinking: That guy looks familiar. Is that the famous Cubs reliever just a few feet away from me? No, it can’t be.

Yeah, it’s me. And I know you’re probably feeling nervous about approaching a big time athlete and asking for his autograph. But you don’t have to worry about it. I’d be happy to.

Look, I get it all the time: “Wow, is it really you? Can you sign this ball, hat, cocktail napkin, whatever?” Sure, no problem. Whatever you’ve got.

What can I say? I’m just a generous guy with a soft spot for the fans, and a Sharpie pen in his shirt pocket.

You know, I … wait, what? You thought I was Jeff Samardzija? Man, get the hell away from me.

Hold on, come back! I’m sorry about flying off the handle like that. I’ll give you that autograph. Yeah, no problem … do you know how to spell “Samardzija”?