The Chicago Bears have selected third-string quarterback Josh McCown to be sacrificed to the Packers on Sunday. The Gods in Green Bay, known for controlling the icy winter wind and creating obese dairy farmers, demand to be appeased through regular sacrifices.

This year, that honor falls to McCown. Second-string quarterback Caleb Hanie was passed over for the sacrifice despite having the clearly more Biblical name. McCown is reported to be “honored” but “nervous” at his impending sacrifice, which requires the victim to be sacked by Green Bay’s defense a minimum of eight times and then have his still-beating heart ripped out and eaten by Aaron Rodgers.

“I know he’s only a backup QB, but I think the Lambeau Gods will be happy with him. Josh is our sacrifice,” Bears coach Lovie Smith told reporters. “It’s too late to make an offering that might save our football season, but maybe this will be enough to keep the windchill from dipping below -20 for a few more weeks.”

Cary Nathenson