The motto for the Cubs has always been to go after the best available personnel. However, this time they hired Bozo the Clown, a longtime friend of the organization.

“Financially he costs the least amount of money and takes whatever job or whipped cream pie that gets thrown at him,” said team president Theo Epstein. “That is a no-brainer in my mind.”

“Bozo will start off as pitching coach but if that doesn’t work out he’d be just as happy answering phones.”