After the Bears’ 30-24 win on Monday night, a slew of Jay Cutler’s personal specialists jointly filed a class action lawsuit against the Eagles—each claiming they lost vast amounts of income because of the team’s play.
Cutler survived the entire game without a sack and was barely touched. The usually passive quarterback was of high spirits after the game. “I’m not used to being able to form coherent sentences after four quarters,” Cutler said. “This feels great!”
However, not all were happy with the performance. Mike Jaznik, Cutler’s chiropractor, usually clears two days from his weekly calendar for Cutler.
“I’m always doing one of two things,” Jaznik said. “I’m either re-aligning his back for 48 hours, or I’m pulling his head from his ass—which is complicated. Because of the Eagles, that’s not happening.”
Dr. Janice Meyers, Cutler’s psychologist, charges $250 per hour, and regularly conducts a day long post-game session with Cutler.
“Each week I have to convince him that it was a good decision to come to Chicago and that his teammates like him,” explained Meyers. “But this week, he’s just happy he’s not Michael Vick.”
Barry Jackson runs the dry cleaning business given the charge of removing blood, soil, and other stains from Cutler’s uniform—a task which not many cleaners can do. But Jackson explained that this week, he’ll not receive the hefty fee he charges for the task.
“I used to have to remove all sorts of stains after games,” Jackson quipped. “The best was when he’d crap himself after staring down an eight-man rush without protection. That ain’t happening now. Just in time for the holidays too. I was going to buy my daughter a pony. Thanks for nothing, Andy Reid.”