As the sex abuse scandal continues to unfold at Penn State, the Big Ten announced today it is realigning its divisions, placing the school in its newly named “Scumbags” division.
“We thought ‘Legends’ and ‘Leaders’ would each be a proper description of our programs, but we were wrong,” said Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany. “Starting today there will be a third ‘Scumbags’ division for any schools in our conference that have been aiding and abetting known child molesters. And Ohio State.”
Legendary coach Joe Paterno, who will reportedly be stepping down at the end of the season, offered his normal, somewhat-coherent take on the issue.
“All I know is that we play Nebraska Saturday,” said JoePa. “And as for these kids who had the terrible things happen to them, I pray for them every night. And we gotta beat Nebraska.”